Yet divorce still means change for children, and change is difficult for most people. When seeking to understand a child’s experience of divorce, adults must think somewhat differently and be aware of the topic from a child’s point of view rather than an adult’s perspective.
In divorce, adults typically deal with logistical or external decisions and issues, while children often face uncertainty, internal feelings and changes that result from the divorce process.
Some of the external issues that adults must face in the process of divorce are:
• Deciding where to live as a family member
• Planning what school children will attend
• Managing court processes and decisions
• Dividing up household property
• Providing for household expenses
• Giving sufficient and needed daily care to children
In contrast, children may face more internal issues that include the following:
• Grieving about the physical absence of a parent
• Coping with the stress of multiple changes at once
• Seeking some sort of control over the situation
• Accepting reassurance that they are not at fault for the divorce
Adults must understand that the issues occupying them may be quite different than the concerns of their children, and children of all ages need to hear that they still are loved despite the changes in family life.
Talking to Young Children (ages 4 to 8)
When talking to young children from ages 4 to 8, consider the following:
Common Reactions of Young Children
• Expressing fears of being alone (separation anxiety), unloved, abandoned
• Clinging, need for parental attention
• Tantrums, crying or irritability
• Anger or aggression toward toys, custodial parent (often mother), siblings or friends
• Negative behaviors or acting out (hitting, yelling, threatening, misbehaving)
• Acting out the situation in play (parents playing house, lonely child, etc.)
• Blaming themselves for the divorce, parent leaving
• Fantasies about parents staying together, idealizing the absent parent
• Withdrawal, lack of responsiveness, emotional distance
• Difficulty (often in school) with memory, staying on task, losing concentration, being distracted
• Regressive behaviors (thumb sucking, “baby” talk, etc.)
• Sleep or physical problems (disturbance of sleep, nightmares, stomach problems or other symptoms of physical distress)
What to Say and Do
• Hold young children and give them physical comfort, hugs and reassurance. Most young children naturally seek the comfort that comes from being held or hugged. Give children extra hugs, smiles and hand-holding. Set aside time to sit together, put your arm around them or hold them and talk about their feelings.
• Give verbal reassurance to young children. Tell them often that you love them, that everything will work out and that you will give them support. Also, listen and allow them to share thoughts or feelings and help them realize that feeling scared or upset is OK and can be worked out.
• Provide children with security through maintaining some consistent routines that are familiar to them (build on existing routines or establish new ones). This might mean consistent routines at lunch time, during an exchange or at bedtime. It might involve reading stories each night (whether with either parent), playing a game or having the same child-care provider. Keep a child’s routines as similar as possible, which helps build security.
• Discuss upcoming changes or schedules before they occur and show young children in concrete ways what will happen. Make a calendar with X’s on days with mom and O’s on days with dad so they can see what will happen, or do a paper chain to show how many days until they see the other parent. Young children struggle more if they are uncertain of what will happen next.
• Read books or watch shows that involve dealing with divorce or related issues together. Buy, check out or borrow books or movies that show children or families dealing with divorce and its effects (make sure they are age appropriate). Ask children what they think about the story or characters and how they respond. Compare your own situation.
• Give young children tangible items to provide them security. Let them have a picture of the other parent in their bedroom, a stuffed animal they take with them between locations or other concrete items that help them. Young children need to have things of their own that they do not “lose” every time they go with another parent.
Talking to Adolescents (ages 9 to 13)
When talking to adolescent children from ages 9 to 13, consider the following:
Common Reactions of Adolescents
• Feeling conflicted about loyalty to each parent, may take sides on issues between parents, may feel “stuck in the middle”
• Anger or aggression about the divorce, toward parents or siblings
• Feelings of being hurt, lied to or betrayed
• Sense of shame about family situation, concern about what peers think
• Confusion about who they are and where they fit in
• Manipulative behavior, playing “games” with parents
• Headaches or stomachaches if parents are in conflict
• Sleep or physical problems (disturbance of sleep, stomach problems, etc.)
• Negative behaviors, such as withdrawal, acting out, etc.
What to Say and Do
• Help children express and cope with grief, anger or feelings of concern. For children to sense and feel loss or anger is natural. Acknowledge the reality of their feelings and help them respond in appropriate ways.
• Avoid placing the child in the middle of conflicts. Do not make children an “ally” against the other parent and don’t use them to convey messages.
• Speak about positive aspects of the other parent. Avoid open criticism and help the child maintain a positive relationship with the other parent.
• Spend time individually with children to strengthen your relationships. Watch movies together, spend time talking, play games at home or go out to eat. Find opportunities for more connections and conversations.
• Keep your child’s activities normal by involving him or her as much as possible in regular opportunities, such as healthy activities, youth groups, sports, etc. Help them see that the focus of life does not need to be strictly on divorce all the time.
• Allow children to call the other parent, exchange messages or have a picture of the other parent with them (or in their room). This helps adolescents know you want them to have a good relationship with the other parent.
Talking to Teens (ages 14 to 18)
When talking to teens from ages 14 to 18, consider the following:
Common Reactions of Teens
• Feelings of anger about the divorce, toward parents or in feeling powerless
• May “grow up” more quickly, distance themselves emotionally from parents, become more independent
• Conflicted about loyalty to each parent
• Negative coping patterns may involve emotional withdrawal, depression or isolation, or involvement in inappropriate activities (drugs, etc.) to “escape”
• Sense of a loss of “home” or family security
• Uncertainty about their own personal relationships, discomfort with parents’ new romantic relationships
• Increased sense of responsibility for other family members
What to Say and Do
• Be honest with teens to avoid feelings of distrust. Answer questions in a simple, straightforward way. Share information that is appropriate to the teen’s level of understanding concerning relationship issues or other concerns. Let them know they can approach you with questions.
• Avoid criticism of the other parent. Allow teens to work through their feelings about the other parent. Be careful not to undermine a positive relationship or encourage attitudes that will be destructive.
• Support your teen’s positive relationships with friends or peers and assist them in finding relationships with other caring adults who can talk with them about concerns. Family relatives, mentors or counselors can be a resource to help them talk about and deal with frustrations or concerns.
• Be consistent in your parenting and family rules.
• Provide a consistent and stable pattern of living for teens. Avoid enormous changes if possible, and support them in maintaining similar activities, having a regular schedule, etc.
• Reassure them of your love and ease any fears of being abandoned. Let them know you have not abandoned them. Provide regular support and listening. Tell them clearly that you love them and will be there for them.
• Assist teens in working through any concerns they have as puberty continues or they get into personal relationships. As they explore relationships, be supportive and help them overcome fears and doubts.