Stress Management for Couples
HE-285
Sean Brotherson, Family Science Specialist
Working together under pressure, changing sex roles, and holding down
more than one job add up to one thing -- high stress levels for farm couples. But by
being sensitive, communicating and relaxing together, a husband and wife can ease
pressures.
One of the unique aspects of farming/ranching is that husbands and wives often work
closely together. Consequently, farm/ranch operations and family life are tightly
interwoven. Farm/ranch decisions are more likely to affect the entire family than are job
decisions of workers in other occupations. For example, a decision to buy a new tractor is
likely to affect plans for purchasing a new refrigerator. Especially during the harvest
when one stressful event piles up on top of another and tensions run high, working closely
together can lead to high levels of stress for the entire family.
Another source of tension for some farm/ranch couples is related to changing roles.
Fifty years ago our society more clearly defined the differences between activities of
husbands and wives. But today, with increasing farm/ranch costs, more and more farm/ranch
wives hold two or more jobs (farm/ranch partner, mother-homemaker and off-farm/ranch
employee). Some men who are accustomed to more traditional sexual roles may have
difficulty accepting women working off the farm/ranch or making important decisions.
So, stress between a farm/ranch couple is not unusual considering the close working
relationship and societal pressures. To relieve the strain, there are several things you
can do.
- Plan ahead. Set measurable goals together for your lifetime, five years from now,
and a year from now. Decide how long the two of you want to stay in farming/ranching; then
get busy enjoying what you have decided to do.
- Communicate realistic expectations clearly. Use "I statements" more
often than "you statements." "You're always wanting to buy something
else!" will probably not get your spouse to change. Try using an I statement instead:
"I get worried and angry when I hear you wanting to buy a new . . . What I'd like is
for the two of us to sit down and decide together which major purchases we can
afford." Then, especially on serious matters, listen well so that you can repeat back
to your partners satisfaction what she or he says and feels.
- Be flexible in your roles and attitudes. Letting others do things you usually do
and relaxing your high standards can reduce pressures.
- Negotiate. When problems arise, schedule time for the two of you to brainstorm.
Weigh the costs and benefits of each solution. Arrive at a plan that enables both of you
to get something you want.
- Check in daily. Take a moment to inquire how your spouse is feeling. Look for and
reflect early indications of stress-a furrowed brow, a tense voice.
- Promote self-esteem. "One thing I really appreciate about you today is . . .
"
- Schedule an evening a week to play together. To keep your marriage growing, take
a break from the work and the children. If it helps, make it a rule to talk about only
yourselves as a couple.
- Ask for, or volunteer, a rubdown. Through a gentle neckrub, backrub, footrub,
head scratch or massage, you can ease sore muscles and give your spouse the gift of a
restful nights's sleep.
- Get in touch. Hold hands; hug each other; show your affection. Physical contact
can be one of the best stress relievers of all.
- Take a relaxing warm bath to sleep well. Ask your spouse to pat you dry with a
soft, fuzzy towel.
- Laugh at yourselves. Remember, always being serious is crazy.
- Celebrate your anniversary, birthday, the arrival of a new foal, getting the
field planted before the rain.
- Take time to relax and dream together.
Your life as a farm/ranch couple will never be totally free from stress. But through
daily practice you can recognize the early warning signs of stress and make it a habit to
do what works best for you to ease pressures. You may find that your work is more
enjoyable and your marriage more exciting.
HE-285, Reviewed April 2009
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