Co-Parenting through Separation and Divorce
Making It Work
FS-566, October 1996
Many children born today have the potential to be "Caught In
The Middle" of parental divorce. Research suggests both difficult and promising news:
Children from families of divorce may suffer painful consequences, and yet children who
are surrounded by support and given the skills and information needed to cope with the
situation suffer fewer painful consequences.
How can this be done? Co-parenting is a phrase used to describe divorced or separated
parents who are sensitive to their child's distress and who learn techniques that avoid
putting children in the middle. Lets face it, many couples find it extremely difficult to
divorce amicably. Typically there's potential for a great deal of anger, resentment,
disappointment and pain. Parents may use children as weapons by controlling the other
parent's access to the children or financial support. They may use children as
"spies" or trash each other in front of them. All of this puts children at risk
and may add to the burden which children of divorce already face. Some of the typical
sources of conflict are:
- Money
- Religious/values education
- Holidays
- Discipline
- Medical issues
- Education and/or career plans
- Recreation (sports, hobbies)
- Parenting styles
When a family is reorganized because of separation or divorce, the parenting
responsibilities also need to be reorganized. Remind yourself about why it's
important to develop a new partnership as parents for your child/ren:
- Children benefit from having a positive and supportive relationship with both parents.
- Cooperative parenting reduces the levels of stress that echo throughout the entire
family.
- The absence of communication between parents or the presence of conflicting
communication hurts the child if he or she is placed in the middle.
One of the most difficult issues for parents who share
responsibilities for children is the issue of visitation. The following guidelines are
meant to give you several ideas to work from. Each family must find what works best for
them while avoiding too much pressure being put on the children.
General Guidelines
The guidelines that follow are examples of constructive parenting goals that
promote the well-being of the children by helping them grow into healthy, happy, whole
people.
- Both parents should encourage visitation to help their children grow and develop in a
positive way.
- Children need to know that it is OK to love both parents.
- In general, parents should try to act respectfully toward each other, at least for the
sake of the children.
- Each parent should show respect for the other's views concerning how to raise the
children by trying, where possible, to be consistent. For example, if one parent is
strongly opposed to having toy guns for small children, the other should take this view
into account when buying toys.
- Each parent is entitled to know the whereabouts of the children during visitations, as
well as whom the children are with (such as a babysitter or friend), if they are not with
the other parent.
- The parents should discuss and try to agree on the religious education of the children,
as well as on who is responsible for seeing that the children attend religious
instruction.
- It is vitally important that each parent let the other know his/her current address and
home and work phone numbers.
- Both parents should realize that visitation schedules may change as children grow older
and have different needs.
Visitation DO's
1. Be as flexible as possible about visitation schedules.
- Give the other parent as much advance notice of changes in visitation as possible.
- Remember to give the other parent your vacation schedules in advance and, where
possible, provide your itinerary.
- Remember that your children may have plans that could affect your visitation schedule.
- Respect their need for flexibility.
2. Make visitations a normal part of life.
- Find activities that give you and your children opportunities to build your
relationship, but also allow some time just to "hang out" together.
- Provide a balance of fun and responsibility for your children.
- Encourage some visitations that include grandparents and extended family.
- Make sure that your children have places that belong to them -- even if it's just a
section of a room in your home so it can be their home too.
- Help your children get to know others in the neighborhood, so that they can have friends
in both homes.
- Keep to a routine and a schedule in preparing your children for visitations.
- Have a checklist of items that children need to bring/take (clothing, toys, etc.). If
the children are old enough, they can help pack or can pack independently.
- Sometimes, if it's appropriate, allow your children to bring friends along.
- On occasion, separate your children, so that you can have individual time with each one.
3. Show respect for your former partner and concern for your children.
- Show up on time.
- Inform them in advance if a new person/partner (for example, new babysitter, new
partner) will be part of the visit.
- Share changes in address, telephone numbers, jobs, etc.
Visitation DON'TS
Some parents use visitation to achieve destructive goals. Destructive goals are
those that are based on one parent seeking to hurt the other parent, to disrupt his or her
life, to inflict revenge for past or present hurts. To achieve that goal, the parent may
use destructive strategies. This can create an even more hostile relationship with the
former spouse and can seriously damage the relationship between the children and one or
both parents. Destructive strategies can be deeply hurtful to the children caught in the
middle and must be avoided. To avoid destructive strategies:
1. Don't refuse to communicate with your former partner.
- Don't use your children as messengers on divorce-related issues, such as child support.
Those issues should be discussed by the adults only.
- Don't make your children responsible for making, canceling, or changing visitation
plans. Those are adult responsibilities.
- Don't use your children to spy on your former spouse.
- Don't use drop-off and pick-up times as opportunities to fight with the other parent.
Deal with important issues in a separate meeting or telephone call, when your children
cannot overhear.
2. Don't try to disrupt your children's relationship with the other parent.
- Don't try to make your children feel guilty about spending time with the other parent.
- Don't use the visitations as rewards for good behavior by your children, and don't
withhold visitations as punishment for poor behavior.
- Don't tell your children that you'll feel lonely and sad if they visit the other parent.
- Don't withhold visitations to punish your former spouse for past wrongs or to get even
for missed child-support payments. Withholding visitations will punish your children, who
are not guilty.
- Don't withhold visitations because you feel your former spouse doesn't
"deserve" to see the children. Except in the case where a parent is a genuine
threat to the children, adults and children need and deserve to see each other.
- Don't use false accusations of abuse to justify withholding visitations.
- Try not to let activities (sports, hobbies, etc.) interfere with time your children need
to spend with the other parent. Perhaps the other parent can sometimes transport the
children to those activities and/or join with them.
- Don't pressure your children about clothes, toys, and other items left at the other
parent's home. The children need to feel they belong in both homes.
- Don't falsely claim that your children are sick to justify withholding visitations.
- Don't withhold phone calls to your children from the other parent.
- Don't refer to the other parent's new romantic partner in a derogatory way.
3. Don't allow your anger against your partner to affect your relationship with your
children.
- Don't hurt your children by failing to show up for visitations or by being late.
4. Don't try to spoil your children or try to "buy" their loyalty or love.
- Don't let your children blackmail you by refusing to visit unless you buy them
something.
- Don't try to bribe your children.
- Don't feel you have to be a "buddy" to your children in order for visitations
to be successful. Your children need you to be a parent.
- Don't feel you have to fill every minute of a visit with activities. Allow some
"down time" for routine activities together, such as cooking or doing laundry,
or time just to be quiet together.
References:
Mulroy, M., Malley, C., Sabatelli, R., & Waldron, R. (1995). Parenting Apart:
Strategies for Effective Co-Parenting. University of Connecticut Cooperative Extension
System and School of Family Studies. Excerpts used with permission of authors.
Gordon, D. (1994). Children In The Middle. Center for Divorce Education: Athens, Ohio.
FS-566, October 1996
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