I'll Be There

When Someone You Know Has A Serious Illness

FS-527, July 1993

Deb Gebeke
Family Science Specialist

Are You a Good Listener?

Circle an X under the answer that best describes your listening response.
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				     Almost	       Occa-		
				     Always  Usually  sionally  Seldom  Never
Attitudes
 1. Do you like to listen to other 
    people talk?			X	X	  X	   X	  X
 2. Do you encourage other people 
    to talk?				X	X	  X	   X	  X
 3. Do you listen even if you do 
    not like the person who is 
    talking?				X	X	  X	   X	  X
 4. Do you listen equally well 
    whether the person talking is 
    male or female, old or young?	X	X	  X	   X	  X
 5. Do you listen equally well to 
    friends, acquaintances and 
    strangers?				X	X	  X	   X	  X

Actions -- When others are talking:
 6. Do you put what you have been 
    doing out of sight and out of 
    mind?				X	X	  X	   X	  X
 7. Do you look at the person?		X	X	  X	   X	  X
 8. Do you ignore the distractions 
    about you?				X	X	  X	   X	  X
 9. Do you smile, nod your head and 
    otherwise encourage him/her to 
    talk?				X	X	  X	   X	  X
10. Do you think about what the 
    person is saying?			X	X	  X	   X	  X
11. Do you try to figure out what 
    the person means?			X	X	  X	   X	  X
12. Do you try to figure out why 
    he/she is saying it?		X	X	  X	   X	  X
13. Do you let him/her finish what 
    he/she is saying?			X	X	  X	   X	  X
14. If he/she hesitates, do you 
    encourage him/her to go on?		X	X	  X	   X	  X
15. Do you restate what the person 
    has said and ask if you got it 
    right?				X	X	  X	   X	  X
16. Do you withhold judgment about a 
    person�s ideas until he/she has 
    finished?				X	X	  X	   X	  X
17. Do you listen regardless of a 
    person�s manner or choice of 
    words?				X	X	  X	   X	  X
18. Do you listen even though you 
    can anticipate what a person is 
    going to say?			X	X	  X	   X	  X
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Total X�s in each column	     ______   ______   ______   ______  _____

Scoring
For every "Almost Always" circled, 
  give yourself a score of	     2 x _______ = ______
For every "Usually"		     4 x _______ = ______
For every "Occasionally"	     6 x _______ = ______
For every "Seldom"	 	     8 x _______ = ______
For every "Never"		    10 x _______ = ______

			       Total score   ____________
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lower your score is, the better you are at listening!
If you have several "never" and "seldom" answers, you might need some 
training!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Copyright 1979 University of Minnesota
Reprinted with permission

Focus

This lesson addresses the communication skills and various types of support helpful to a person with a serious illness or the family/friends who are also impacted. The lesson focuses on drawing the group together to identify helpful ideas that could be used among the group members or among family and friends.

Goals

1. To understand the meaning and different types of support.
2. To understand individual listening skills.
3. To learn what actions those with serious illnesses and their families/friends find most supportive.
4. To create dialogue among group members to establish or enhance each individual's support base.
5. To obtain ideas/methods for supportive group or community members and families with serious illnesses.

Support

Webster: To carry, sustain, uphold, keep from falling or sinking; to endure without being overcome, encouragement, to be able to carry on.

Social support means that information is provided which leads someone to believe that he/she is: 1. cared for, 2. valued and 3. a member of a network of communication and mutual obligation.

Four Types of Support

1. Emotional support -- providing empathy, caring, love, trust, esteem, concern and listening.
2. Instrumental support -- providing aid in kind, money, labor, time or any direct help.
3. Informational support -- providing advice, suggestions, directives and information for use in coping with personal and environmental problems.
4. Appraisal support -- providing affirmation, feedback, social comparison and self-evaluation (also called friendship support).

*Comeau, J., Family Information Services, July 1990, Methods & Materials, p 36.

Support Systems

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
		 			   What You	      Who Fills This
If You Feel	        What You Need	   Want to Feel	      Need For You 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Social Isolation      Shared concerns, 	 Social belonging,  _______________
Need to be part of      similar interests  being part of a    _______________
		        -clubs  -hobbies   network

Emotional Isolation   Close friend, 	 Intimacy, to be    _______________
Lonely		        relatives          wanted, loved      _______________
			

Stimuli Isolation     Challenges in 	 Having a broader	
No new thoughts,        positive sense	   perspective, being _______________
no creativity				   creative	      _______________
   			

Vulnerable, Afraid,   Someone to depend	 Being informed,    _______________
Out of Touch 	       on in a pinch	  feeling helped      _______________
When given a task       One who has 
or job to do	        information	
   
Powerless	      Someone who 	 Self-worth, 	    _______________
Low self-esteem	       realizes your 	  self-respect       _______________
	 	       competence, 
		       ability, skills				
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Adams, J., Hayes, J. and Hopson, B. Transitions, 1976, NJ: Allanheld, 
Osmun and Co. Publishers, Inc.

Think About It:

• Is your support system made up of a few people? A variety of people?
• How do you avoid overload or fill in the gaps in your support system?
• What are the strengths of your system?

Suggested Discussion Questions

1. Did any of the experiences you just heard about bring any thoughts to your mind?
2. Can you list one supportive suggestion you'll want to keep in mind to assist someone you know in the future?
3. Think of one thing you want to be careful not to do in the future.
4. What do you think would be most helpful if you or a family member were faced with a serious illness?
5. Would you have a difficult time accepting support from others? Why or why not?
6. Think about your support systems.
7. What's it like to be focused to "just listen" to these people on tape? Does it help you think about how hard it can be, yet realize how important it is?

Thoughts from Apples of Gold

Gibson Publishing, 1972

"The best and most beautiful things in the world
cannot be seen nor touched
but are felt in the heart."

"Some people can see at a glance
what others cannot see
with search lights and telescopes."

"A candle glow can pierce the darkest night."

"There can be no better exercise
for strengthening the heart than
reaching down and lifting people up."

You Can Help Me Cope

1. Be honest with me. Telling me the truth will relieve tension for both of us.
2. Listen to me, even if I repeat myself.
3. Remember that a physical illness can affect my mind, emotions and spirit, too.
4. Volunteer your help: Prepare food for my family, offer transportation, make phone calls, cut the grass, look after my children, organize others to help.
5. Send cards and letters. Make short visits frequently.
6. Remember that I need to be alone sometimes. Respect my need for privacy.
7. Bring me your emotional support. Talk about the future with me. Hope keeps me going.
8. Words aren't always necessary. Your touch can speak volumes.
9. Don't be afraid to talk about difficult subjects. Ask me how I am feeling.
10. Learn about my illness. Be aware of support groups that can help during stressful phases.
11. Encourage me to stay active, but remember my limitations.
12. Keep me informed about the family, the community, the world.
13. Give me your empathy but not your pity. Remember that we all have the same "human" needs. Showing that you care gives me courage.
14. Don't be afraid to talk about my illness, but don't always talk about it.
15. Accept my negative feelings and fears. It is important for me to talk about them.
16. Cry with me, laugh with me. I need to share this with my friends and loved ones.
17. Pray for me and with me.

*MeritCare Magazine. You Can Help Me Cope.

What About Children?

If you're looking for a book to assist you in helping children adjust to serious illness of self vs. others, try Children Can Learn To Cope With Loss and Change by H. Heegaard, Woodland Press, Minneapolis, 1991.

In Rosalie Maggio's book, How To Say It: Choice Words, Phrases, Sentences and Paragraphs for Every Situation, the following guidelines are listed.

How To Say It

• State simply that you are sorry about (or sorry to hear about) the illness, accident or surgery.
• Offer to help in some specific way, if appropriate. Finish a project, sit in on a meeting, bring in library books the person might enjoy, take children for the weekend or chauffeur them to school events, bring mail to the hospital and help answer it, read aloud to the person, run errands.
• Although it is generally better to limit visits with people who are hospitalized or who are seriously ill at home, you might offer to stop by if the person will be laid up for a long time or if you think they would welcome a visitor. Suggest that someone give you a call with a time and date, but make it easy for the person to refuse your visit in case they aren't up to it.
• Assure the recipient of your concern, thoughts, best wishes, love or prayers.
• End with your hopes for a speedy recovery, rapid improvement, better health.

Tips on Writing

• Write as soon as you hear the news. Putting off a difficult letter does nothing to make it easier.
• Edgar Watson Howe said that when a friend is in trouble, we shouldn't annoy the person by asking if there is anything we can do. Instead, he said, "Think up something appropriate and do it." Sometimes it is too much effort for the sick person to respond to a general "anything I can do to help" offer. But if you mention something specific, the person has only to say "Yes, thank you," or "No, thank you."
• Instead of a lengthy letter, which may be fatiguing or uninteresting to many ill people, enclose with your card and note a few amusing or intriguing clippings from the paper ("What do you think about this?!"), photographs, a pressed flower, a cartoon, a sachet of potpourri, a quotation, a child's drawing, or colorful postcards or pictures. Enclosures are a good idea when the usual words don't come easily, in the case of terminally ill, for example.

Resources

• Support Network Directory, NDSU Extension Service Publication
• North Dakota HELP-LINE, 1-800-472-2911

Make Someone's Day

Nine Encouragements You Can Pass on Anywhere, Anytime

We can bolster a friend's spirits by what we say. When you want to give someone a word of encouragement and don't know what to say, here are nine phrases to help a discouraged friend.

"You may be down, but you're not out."

Many circumstances in life truly are "the pits." Your discouraged friend, however, tends to foresee her future like the present. You can help her see that one day she will be able to function better than she can at present.

Encourage your friend to write down goals for future reference. Focusing on a brighter tomorrow helps a person get past a gloomy today.

"You have options."

The discouraged person often feels as if she's reached the end of the road. Help your friend see there's at least one way out of her situation -- and probably more. Don't dismiss anything as being too absurd. Off-the-wall ideas frequently trigger truly creative options.

Rank the options and decide on "Plan A." Help your friend figure out how to implement her chosen option. Consider timing, methods and other prerequisites that need to be in place for success.

"You really did well!"

Find something you can applaud and be generous in doing so. Don't overlook "small" performances. Let a co-worker know you appreciate a well-made presentation or an accurately typed letter. Let a roommate know you appreciate the way she completed a chore or prepared a special meal. Compliment your friend's appearance, choices, suggestions or efforts.

"I forgive you."

Guilt weighs heavy on the soul. Forgiveness frees. It restores. It heals. If your friend is bemoaning her failures, mistakes or sins, say, "I don't hold this against you. Ask forgiveness of the one you've wronged, then forgive yourself. Move forward in your life and leave this behind you."

"One thing I really admire about you is ..."

It's quite acceptable to recognize our good points and value them. Your friend probably has lost sight of some of her fine qualities. Point out her strengths, including natural talents, interests and personal traits. Listen for statements from your friend such as, "I always wanted to ..." or "I wish I had ..." for clues. Cite personality traits you find compelling, being sure to go beyond appearance.

"Here is something that reminded me of you."

Pass along uplifting words you encounter, overhear or read. A passage of poetry, a verse of Scripture, a bumper sticker's message and a lighthearted story in a newspaper are a few suggestions. If the words can be cut out, do so. Write in the margin, "I hope this brings a smile. I thought of you when I read it." Be especially attuned to articles relating to her interests, work or projects.

"It's never too late to make a change."

A fast forward person can have a sense of loss or discouragement about her inability to afford life's necessities with less effort or a less hurried pace. As a result, she feels she has no control over her daily regimen. Your encouraging word may well be, "It's never too late to make a change."

"You're not alone."

Help your friend realize she's not the only person to have encountered a specific circumstance or problem. Encourage her to find a support group. Your friend will feel less isolated and will gain constructive information to help work through her problem. In addition to support groups, stories of fellow strugglers also are available in books, movies and videotapes. You may not be able to advise your friend from your own experience or training, but you can assure her you are there to "walk through the emotions" of her problem with her.

"You are one of a kind."

No other person can duplicate your friend's birth, childhood and circumstances -- not even a twin! Nobody has your friend's unique opportunities in life or processes information in exactly the way she does. Nobody has her combination of talents, insights and skills. Point out the ways your friend is truly one of a kind. Highlight the fact she has a unique set of friends and a unique purpose in life before God.

Source: Today's Christian Woman (May/June 1992) Catherine E. Rollins. Catherine Rollins is the author of 52 Simple Ways to Encourage Others (Oliver-Nelson).

Encouragement for Both of You

Keep in mind your friend must be open to the idea of encouragement. If she isn't, you can't. Don't let your failure to encourage a friend result in your own discouragement!

The encouragement you give tends to come back to you in like measure. Encouragement can become a cycle in your life that generates joy, promotes wholeness and gives strength -- to others as well as to yourself.

References

Adams, J., Hayes, J. and Hopson, B. Transitions, 1976, NJ: Allanheld, Osmann and Co. Publishers, Inc.

Comeau, J. Family Information Services, July 1990, Methods and Materials, p 36.

MeritCare Magazine, You Can Help Me Cope, Fargo ND. 1993. p. 21

Rollins, C. Make Someone's Day. 52 Simple Ways to Encourage Others, 1992, Oliver-Nelson.

Maggio, R. How to Say It, 1990, Prentice Hall: New Jersey.

Reviewers

Ellen Dunlop, Area Family Sytems Specialist

Kaylyn Anderson, LaMoure County Home Economist

FS-527, July 1993