The Guidance Approach to Discipline
FS-468 (Revised), July 1996
Deb Gebeke, Family Science Specialist
In a guidance approach to discipline, parents use methods that reduce
conflicts respectfully for parents and children.
Discipline is not punishment. It is a means of helping the child learn acceptable ways
to deal with personal feelings and desires. Punishment, on the other hand, is a reaction
to misbehavior that is usually hurtful and may even be unrelated to the misbehavior.
Punishment is ineffective because it does not teach appropriate behavior. Though it may
prevent a repeat of the behavior in the short term, it does not teach the child "what
to do instead," so it rarely works in the long term. Punishment may release the
parent's angry feelings and make the parent feel better, but it can create fear or
humiliation in the child, and rarely leads to the creation of a respectful relationship.
When children misbehave, parents and other adults need to help the child learn
appropriate behaviors. Punishment may give immediate results, but does punishment build
self-control? Do children learn to cope with their strong feelings and tough problems if
they are punished? Research supports the conclusion that discipline works better than
punishment and that children who are punished become very different people than children
who are disciplined.
This approach to discipline means using developmentally appropriate guidance.
What is developmentally appropriate? That means you have a clear understanding of the
stage of development your child is in. You know what can be expected for the age. With
this in mind, you choose to pick a discipline method that best fits the child and the
situation.
Perhaps the greatest advantage of this approach is that it is based on open
communication, positive discipline and that the techniques can apply to any age
child. With a little practice and patience, you will experience positive results.
Principles of a Guidance Approach
Research tells us that it's very important to respect the child's stage of development
and not to label a child as a behavioral failure. Seven principles outline the basics of a
guidance approach:
- Children are in the process of learning acceptable behavior.
- An effective guidance approach is preventive because it respects feelings even while it
addresses behavior.
- Adults need to understand the reasons for children's behavior.
- A supportive relationship between an adult and a child is the most critical component of
effective guidance.
- Adults use forms of guidance and group management that help children learn self-control
and responsiveness to the needs of others.
- Adults model appropriate expression of their feelings.
- Adults continue to learn even as they teach.
The guidance techniques that follow provide tips to remember in stressful situations.
Your Role as a Parent
It is important to see children as part of the total family system. Sacrificing
everything for their sake is probably not a wise long-term decision or investment. Parents
also have needs that must be met. Urie Bronfenbrenner, a renowned child developmentalist,
suggests that every child needs to have people who are really crazy about him who love him
with all their hearts. Parents are the people who can give this total love to their child,
and it may be the most important contribution they make to their child's development.
A child needs to know and feel that, no matter what, his parents love him. Parents can
tell their child that they may not like the behavior they have just observed, but they
will always love him. Love is unconditional and shared in a variety of ways with children.
Technique Number 1: Being Positive
Focus on "do" instead of "don't." Children tune out negative
messages.
Examples of changing "don't" into "do":
1. Don't stand on the slide 1. Sit down on the slide.
2. Don't park your bike there. 2. Your bike belongs in the
bike rack/garage.
Technique Number 2: Problem Solving
Protect and preserve your children's feelings of being lovable and capable.
Examples of ways adults hinder or foster growth of self-concept:
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Destructive
Situation responses Better responses
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Mark spills the juice "Can't you ever do Here's the sponge. Wipe
he is carrying to anything right?" it up, and you can try
again.
Your fifth-grader "Don't you tell me "It's not easy to settle
slams the door and what's fair! You're arguments. When you're
yells, "You're not getting a smart ready to talk it over,
fair!" after you mouth!" come out and we'll see
break up a sibling if we can solve this
argument. problem together.
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Technique Number 3: Offering Choices
Offer children choices only when you are willing to abide by their decisions.
Give them only the choices of behavior they can, in reality, choose.
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Likely to lead to
Situation trouble Instead, try
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It's shopping day, "What would you like "Would you like toast
and your groceries for breakfast today?" and jam or cereal for
are in short supply. breakfast?"
Your 12-year-old often "Get out here and walk "Are you going to take
"forgets" her chores. this dog." the dog for a short
walk now or a long
hike after dinner?"
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Technique Number 4: Considering the Environment
Consider changing the environment instead of the child's behavior. Adult/child
conflicts may arise because some part of the physical setting or environment is
inappropriate or because adults expect more control or more mature behavior than children
can achieve.
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Behavior Environmental changes
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The preschool group has many milk Provide heavy-bottomed
spills at every meal. Their paper wide plastic glasses or
cups seem to tip over every other cups.
minute.
Your school-age children walk in Install low, sturdy hooks
the house and drop coats and school near the entry.
bags at the back door.
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Technique Number 5: Being Realistic
Observe children, learn what is developmentally appropriate for their ages and then
determine the most acceptable way for them to continue what they're doing.
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Problem Solution
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Five-year-old Scott wants to help Figure out the tasks Scott can do,
his parents with their preparation then find a workplace for him in
of a German dinner. Efforts to the kitchen and let him pitch in.
persuade him to watch television
or ride his tricycle have failed.
Sixteen-year-old Susan is a good Discuss car availability and work
driver who wants to drive to school schedules. Develop a plan together
every day. to allow driving when possible.
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Technique Number 6: Setting Limits
Give children safe limits they can understand. Recognize their feelings, even if they
cannot accept their actions. Maintain a calm sense of democracy, and work at being
consistent. Children view the world differently than adults. Rules need to be explained
clearly and simply. Be certain they know your expectations for their behavior.
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Situation Response
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Michelle (age 2) has pushed a The stove is hot. I can see you
chair close to the stove so she curious about the spaghetti
can see what's bubbling in all sauce. I will hold you so you
those pots. can see without getting hurt.
It's school pictures day, and I can see that you're frustated
your eighth-grader is having a with your hair this morning. Is
bad morning. She continues to there something I could do to
talk about how awful she looks, help? What are your ideas?
and she doesn't want to go to
school.
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Technique Number 7: Modeling Behavior
Set a good example. Speak and act only in ways you want your children to speak and act.
Research indicates that the parent model is still the most influential source of learning
for children.
If you make mistakes, apologize and be honest. A warm, loving, communicating
relationship is important. Everyone makes mistakes. Children are loving and forgiving of
parents, if that's what parents model. The importance of parents as models for children
cannot be overstated.
Correct the following statements. (These may appear as logical consequences for some
readers. Think carefully about the example you are setting.)
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Statement Better statement
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"Laura, if you bite your "Biting hurts people. You may bite
sister, I'll bite you." the teething toy, but you may not
bite your sister."
"I'm sick and tired of all "I'm really sorry I lost my temper.
your excuses. You never I had no right to take my frustrations
listen to me!" (Parent about work out on you. I'll try to
loses temper.) leave work issues at work." (Parent
sets example for taking responsibility
for actions.)
"Quit your complaining about "You sound really frustrated by all
homework. If you really cared the homework you have. Maybe I can
about me, you wouldn't help you break it down into more
complain to me all the time. manageable parts."
Look at all the work I have
to do, and nobody helps me!"
(Parent continues to complain.)
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Technique Number 8: Thinking Broadly
Look at the whole picture. A child's behavior is often related to stress in some part
of the family system. Changes in your behavior or in another family member may result in
the child's changing behavior.
Giving children attention is not the same as spoiling them. "Acting out"
behavior may be a cry for attention. It is important to take time to be with children
emotionally (by talking things out) as well as physically.
Assess the following areas in your child's life when concerns arise:
- Recent family changes or conflicts.
- Sibling relationships.
- School environment.
- Child care setting.
- Peer or play group relationships.
- Physical or health conditions.
- National/International events.
- Neighborhood or community environment.
Getting Off to a Fresh Start
Parents can take the first step toward a developmentally appropriate plan of discipline
by examining the current methods or techniques they are using. Ask: Is this suited to the
age of the child? Am I correcting, lecturing, doing all the talking, or am I showing and
teaching my child an appropriate way to handle things? Am I always talking out of anger?
Using commands? Have I used too many threats or criticizing remarks?
Each week try to practice a new technique. It takes time to change old habits and
patterns. Don't be surprised if your children react to the changes in you in a negative
way at first. Children learn how to adapt to and react to parents, and any changes mean
they need time to change too. They may be confused at first. In a short time, though, you
will be able to notice changes in you and your children. Contact your county extension
office for information about parenting resources.
Preventing Problems
Effective discipline will prevent problems before they arise. This tactic should begin
the day your child is born. Examine your behavior, your environment, how you schedule
activities for your child, and the rules you have established for behavior. Once you have
taken the time to examine yourself, you can begin to do the following:
Demonstrate coping skills. You are your children's first and most influential
teacher.
Prepare an appropriate environment. You can avoid a lot of problems by making
your home a comfortable place for children to be. Are there tempting or dangerous items
within reach? Are toys or supplies accessible? Is there enough room for activities and
personal space?
Be clear about rules. Consistent and fair rules help children learn control in
their own behavior. Such rules set limits that children can learn and depend on,
regardless of their ages. Rules should be simple and few, clear, necessary and reasonable
for the ages of the children. Some adults have only one basic rule: you may not hurt
yourself, others or things. Hurt can be explained as physical or emotional as children
grow.
Gently remind children of rules. When a problem occurs, calmly stop the action, then
say the rule. Be direct and simple. Eventually, the child will think of the rule before
acting. If a child hits, respond by saying, "Stop! Hitting hurts people." If
a child throws food, respond by saying, "You may eat the food or put it away. No
throwing food!"
Schedule events with children's needs in mind. Many problems can be avoided by
anticipating your children's behavior or reactions to various events. You can arrange
their day and distract them from potential problems. Adjust events to children's short
attention spans. Prepare your children in advance and allow time to complete their
activities. Keep your children occupied. If they must wait, be prepared with games or
stories that help them pass the time.
Help children solve problems, make choices and understand consequences. Engage
them in conversation.
Try guiding the child through the problem by asking "What would happen if
..." questions. This will help them learn to make more appropriate choices. Be
patient! This is not learned as a result of one or two problem situations! Parents must
continue to use this method and congratulate their children's efforts to think things
through.
Acquiring problem-solving skills is a process that takes time and repetition.
The following list from a publication for parents written by the National Association
for the Education of Young Children summarizes the differences between discipline and
punishment.
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Children are Children are
disciplined when... punished when...
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they are shown positive their behavior is controlled
alternatives rather than through fear
just told "no"
they see how their their feelings are not respected
actions affect others
good behavior is they behave to avoid a penalty
rewarding to them - and or when they get a bribe
at times rewarded
adults establish fair, the adult only tells the child
simple rules and enforce what not to do.
them consistently.
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Children who Children who
are disciplined... are punished...
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learn to share and feel humiliated
cooperate
are better able to handle hide their mistakes
their own anger
are more self-disciplined tend to be angry and aggressive
and take responsibility and blame others
for their actions
feel successful and in fail to develop control of
control of themselves themselves
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Adapted from Helping Children Learn Self-Control: A Guide to
Discipline, National Association for the Education of Young Children publication; Parenting
Your Child Effectively, Herb Lingren, Nebraska Extension publication; Developmentally
Appropriate Guidance, Minnesota Association for Education of Young Children
publication.
FS-468 (Revised), July 1996
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